• Under no circumstances can Alex eat spicy food.  There are no conditions under which it is okay to do so (e.g., during a full moon, an election year, before midnight, etc.).  He simply cannot stand the stuff.  He doesn't understand what the rest of the word gets out of eating pure pain.  Well, other than gas, but that just deepens the mystery for him.

Should you happen to have some food that you wish to offer him, stop and ask yourself, "In order to accuractely describe this substance, do I have to include any words between 'not' and 'spicy'?"  Please do not bother if any of the following qualifiers are required: "that," "really," "too," "very," etc.  Alex realizes you won't understand, but thinks that if you're going to try to feed him crap like this just because you like it, then you really ought to just fuck off because he's not having any of it.  Instead of trying to destroy the C-fibers in Alex's tongue, please instead consider feeding him sushi.

• Keep Alex clear of electromagnetic pulses as he is known to have multiple electronic devices on him at all times.  Any electromagnetic interference could conceivably mess up what he's writing, scramble his latest candid pictures of Dani in an embarrassing position, or screw up the bearings on the GPS... meaning he won't get home in time to post said pictures with funny captions he just wrote.

• Don't buy Alex presents.  Ever.  Not for xmas, not for his birthday, and not for any other occassion, real or imagined.  He didn't get you anything.  If you get him anything, it won't be what he wants, and what he wants is too expensive for you to get him anyway.  Come to think of it, he doesn't want most things he doesn't have.

• Alex can only wear clothes that are grey, white, or certain shades of blue or green.  Alex has an aversion to wearing all other colors.  Don't expect him to wear anything else.  It's like asking him to wear a skirt.  He just isn't going to do it unless it's part of a Halloween costume, and even then he would need a matching lightsaber.

• Alex hates loud noises.  So shut your damned screaming baby up and put that obnoxious dog outside while we're trying to have a conversation.  Assholes on motorcycles are courting death by pulling next to Alex at traffic lights when he has his windows open (or just about any other time).  Alex is not impressed.  Clearly you were the type to need a trade when you graduated, so Alex doesn't know why you didn't take auto mechanics in high school so you could fix your goddamned muffler today.

• Don't ask Alex to take you to the movies.  If he can't fast-forward, he gets claustrophobic and will start throwing over-priced popcorn at the kids a couple rows in front of you.  Don't even mention Mel Gibson movies around Alex as he believes Mel is responsible for most of the wars in the world.

• If, in spite or because of these things, you think you could provide Alex with a good home, then please call our adoption hotline now because Dani can't put up with much more of his shit.

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