I hate any name that ends with an "S."  You try to turn "Chris" or "Douglas" into a possessive on paper, and it's just an apostrophe.  You go to say it, and it sounds like a stuttering contest with Cobra Commander.

I hate any name with more than three syllables.  Give us all a break here.  Some people don't even speak in sentences this long, and you're taking up all my time just addressing you, Liz?  No, I will not call you by your full name.  Life's too short.

I hate any name that spawns an abbreviated version that doesn't sound like it should originate there.  Come on.  It's like the paternity of the nickname is in question.  I mean is "Bob" really the short form of "Robert"?  What's wrong with "Rob"?  And there's just no reason to call Richard a Dick.  Unless he is.

I hate names that celebrities have ruined because they're so media-saturated we don't even question who they mean anymore by "Paris" or "Angelina" or "Britney."

I hate any name that sounds like other words.  In geometry I always used hear about adjacent elements and think the teacher was saying Jason.  And can you imagine trying to pick out your name when every past-tense verb ends with Ed?

I hate names when they're followed by the middle or last name Lee.  Suddenly your name is an adverb that I've never even heard of.

I hate names that sound like last names like Jackson or Taylor or Madison or any of the presidents.  It's pretentious, and you're basically saddling your kid with a name that makes me want to tell them to fuck off before they even open their mouths.

I hate names with foreign origins that left them with a goddamned accent mark.  I'm not going to look up the character map to type Estee or Desiree just because your mom thought she was so fucking cosmopolitan.

I hate any name that is already a word like Don or Brad or Scooter.  Actually, I kind of like Scooter.  Still, why would you name your kid Hope?  That's fucking stupid.  Every time the word 'Dawn' comes up in a conversation, she's like, "Huh?  Did you call me?"  And won't you feel stupid when Rich grows up and applies for a loan and they'll say, "Aren't you 'Rich' already?  Ha ha."

Lloyd.  That's just a fucking stupid name.  What's the extra "L"?

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